May 12th, 2008

xm301

Hello again, world\n

I have a project. I wish I could tell you about it, but I can't. It would be conflating identities, because when it goes public it will be associated with the my legal identity. Besides that, it probably wouldn't interest you. It is remarkable for its obscurity. However, I can tell you how I feel about it.

I am galvanized. I am obsessed. I feel compelled. I don't want to do anything else. However, it requires a brain in a refreshed and relaxed state to pursue it, and I can only work on it for so long before I am exhausted. This conflict is very beneficial to my life, as I am driven to make optimal use of my waking and sleeping time to maximize my productive working time. Without a driver like this project, I just don't care, and I let everything go to hell.

Why do I feel like this? Twice, when planning out my actions I found the anticipation and satisfaction so great, I cried. Sometimes (when tired, etc) I feel trivial things intensely and can be easily moved to tears, but I've never felt anything like that over something I mean to create.

Which is not to say this project is an unusual occurrence in my life. I often become obsessed with a project. The attraction is usually novelty. I build just to understand something, but never to express something.

This time, I have something to say, and I think I have the means to express it with greater fidelity than anything I have ever said before. I am writhing at the thought. I almost can't stand it.

It is clearly a form of madness. Sometimes I wonder if I have finally discovered what I am. I always imagine myself to be a would-be game designer and developer. I don't think of my creation as a game, though it could be. It is purely an artistic expression. I consider games to be art (or at least culture) but I never considered myself as a game designer to be an artist. I have no other word for the role I am now performing.

If there is anything that popular stories about artists have taught me, it's that these feelings are very dangerous. Do not listen to any impulses involving removing body parts. I also feel like I need to ration these feelings, so I do not wear them (or myself) out. So often I will become too engrossed in something, burn out, and never touch it again. It leaves me aimless.

I want so badly to succeed at this. I would think it to be the first time. I shall report back when the situation changes.